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The Best Aviation Jokes

February
1

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We asked our fellow aviators that are subscribed to the Airpark Life newsletter what their favorite aviation joke or one liner was.

We heard some real doozies and decided to compile a list of some of the best ones from throughout the years, if you like the jokes feel free to share and if we missed your favorite let us know and bring the conversation to Google + or Twitter.

Flight attendant asks if the Captain wants a cup of coffee. He answers sure, just like I like my women. Flight attendant answers “Hell, they don’t make coffee hot and stupid.”

-Chip

How do you know when there’s a pilot in the room?

He tells you.

-Nathan

There is going to be a pilot shortage.

-Kevin

What’s the difference between a pizza and a flight instructor? A pizza feeds a family of four!

-Mario

Instructor to student pilot: “Hey, dummy, we’re on short final and you forgot to put the landing gear down!”

Student pilot to instructor: “Relax. This is an amphibian and we’re making a water landing.”

I love to ask pilots: “When is it OK, in a retractible gear plane, to make a normal landing and not put the landing gear down?” I have to say it’s a retractible gear plane lest they come back with “When you’re flying a fixed gear aircraft.”

-George

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-Robert

The Three Rules of Aviation:

  1. Don’t get higher above the ground than you care to fall.
  2. Never miss a chance to take a leak.
  3. Don’t land until you get to the airport.

-John

Not may people know this, but ever since Orville and Wilbur screwed up a good thing, bringing regulations to the aviation, Santa Claus has been required to hold a valid pilots license. Given his important mission, he is, of course, rated for Instruments and Multi-engine (12 plus Rudolf). Like all pilots, he is required to take a biannual flight review. Last fall, the FAA flight examiner showed up at the appointed time at the North Pole to administer Santa’s Biannual.

Santa was flabbergasted when the examiner showed up armed, holding a shot gun. Santa climbed into the sleigh on the left side and took the reins, and the examiner climbed in on the right, cradling the shot gun in his lap. Santa couldn’t couldn’t contain his curiosity anymore and asked abut the shot gun. The examiner was coy, but said, “I don’t know. Let’s just say that you might lose one on take-off.”

The Clements Family

oil prices are at an all time low yet gas prices are holding the same…
that..is a joke!

-Bob

Did you hear about the pilot with perfect weather, too long a runway,
too fast a plane and too much fuel?

-George Gratton

It’s a story told to me as true by an air traffic controller at Wiley Post airport in Oklahoma City. It was during the 60s, and gear up warning horns were new to many pilots. After making his gear up landing without serious personal harm, and hearing the controller say, “Man, I was shouting at you to go around,” the red-faced pilot explained, “Yeah, I could hear somebody hollering, but I couldn’t make it out for that damn horn going off!”

John W. Norman

Long ago, not a joke, but really to laugh:

I had to bring our rockwell commander out of the intl. airport of Frankfurt Rhein-Main.I got a slot, taxiing behind some airliners to the holding point. First in line was an Alitalia Jet, second an PanAm Jumbo, behind them two others and than I with my small Plane, all on tower frequency, waiting for take off clearance.

TWR: Alitalia 123 cleared for departure on RWY 25 right

Alitalia: —

– PanAm Jumbo taxiing clother to the Alitalia in front of him –

TWR: (bugged out) Alitalia 123 immediate departure on RWY 25 right

Alitalia: —-

Was in the back seat of a c172 with 2 pilots in the front. About halfway down the runway on take off the PIC asked “where is the airspeed indicator?” Take off was successful.

Kenneth

Three old timer former turboprop pilots, a little hard of hearing, are talking. First one says

“Man! It’s windy” second one says

“NO, it’s Thursday.” Third one says,

“Me too! Let’s go get a drink.”

–Linda

My favorite:

Question: So do you know how to make a small fortune in the aviation business?

Answer: start with a large one –

Happy flying!

-Rick

Student pilot on first solo X-Country got lost so he called on 121.5 for help. The controller trying to help ask what was your last known position? After some thought the student said “when I was setting on the end of the runway.

-Zimmerman

Pilot to a very flustered ground controller at JFK in the evening rush.

“We’re we married at one time”.

-John

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Q: What’s the difference between a copilot and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

‘Never fly in the same cockpit
with someone braver than you.’

‘There are bold pilots, and old pilots, but very few old bold pilots.’ – 1930s Army Air Corps Sign

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant
you have nothing to do.’ – Unknown Marine Recruit
‘Don’t draw fire;
it irritates the people around you.’
Advice to new guy

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’

’Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground’ – US Air Force

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.‘ – US Air Force Manual

John G 

Have any more jokes?

Share with us in the comments!

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John Fazzini
John Fazzini is the owner of International Aviation Group and has been in the land development business since 1967. The latest development Ridge Landing Airpark is a premier aviation community in Central Florida.
John Fazzini
John Fazzini

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